You're Dying But Not in the Same Way; And They're Grieving You While You're Still There

When you don't like your male persona, you're looking for any positive things you can grab onto. Something like strands of rope you try to grab onto as you're falling. Really, you're looking for any grab whatsoever, any possible way to not blow up your life. Well, I've been hanging for a while and my rope is finally gone. I'm out of reasons to fight to be this man any longer. Quite simply, I don't like him. I don't like who I am as him. The only thing I like is what being him has brought me. Because of him I have two wonderful daughters, with a third baby on the way. And an absolute knockout of a wife.

... I don't know If I'll stay married. I hope to. I really hope it works out. We've been married nearly nine years already and experienced so many highs (and lows) together. I don't want to start over! But, I know there's no guarantee and when I'm honest with myself I know the chances are very slim.

I lost my dad when I was 13. He got sick when I was 10. And what I know is when you watch someone die, every moment is colored with the inevitable. You smile but that smile has sadness behind it. You can't just laugh or just enjoy a night because the sickness is looming, it's always present, it's always a reminder of what you have to face: the reality that sooner or later that person will not be in your life anymore. It ruins the time you have left with them because you always want more time. There's a clock on it... and in a similar way transitioning feels very much like that. I have yet to start HRT and I have yet to really be living as Valorie but my plans are set. And now that my wife knows, I feel very much like my father must have felt. She looks at me and knows that sooner or later her husband will be gone. That isn't true in the same way death is, but it feels that way, because even though you'll hold onto qualities and some of the personality that made you who you were, you will still be different in ways. 

I have yet to experience this but I'm already preparing for there to always be comparisons. My wife even tells me now it's so hard to just enjoy the moment because every time she looks at me she knows it's going to change. My voice. My face. My body. The hair I have on my face will go away; the hair I have on my body will soften and will be shaved often. I tried to tell her that this could bring out the best me she's ever known. Obviously, ideally she wishes the best me she's ever known could be accomplished as the male she married. If I could do that I would. But I constantly live in a state where I'm having to push my female identity down. We go shopping and walk by the women's section and she comes alive, and it immediately makes me come to life too. I have to silence her in those times. I have to calm the celebration that's going on inside. Since recently talking to my therapist, I came to an understanding that I hadn't understood before: 'why, if I was happy as a man, did I need to keep putting on the woman?' 

After all, men who are satisfied with who they are do not spend their waking hours exploring womanhood. Why would I desire a taste if there wasn't a real part of me that wanted the reality? I convinced myself that I can just compartmentalize, that I could give her a room and enjoy that room for a time and then return to manhood. Except I enjoy the time in that room far more. I think I was always afraid therapy would confirm that I'm transgender. Just like so many people like me, as a little boy I would run scenarios in my head, something involving a genie and one wish, and it always revolved around changing my gender... not money... not items... not anything that a normal boy would want. It was always to be turned into a girl

So you may ask, 'why did it take you this long to realize that you are transgender?' And all I can say to that is I wanted to not be. I wanted to continue to be the man I was so that I can keep the people I love. I convinced myself that life was about sacrifice and that the truly loving thing to do would be to carry this cross for the rest of my life. But the weight gets heavy. The road gets long and there comes a point where you can't keep living a life where you sacrifice all of yourself, at least not if you want longevity and not to die young. 

I've lived more of my life without my father then I ever had him and I can tell you now a life without a father leaves you directionless and with a hole that you can't fill. And now I imagine that same reality with my girls. I had to make a decision. I had to decide what was more important: my longevity and my ability to stay in their lives as a female or continue living my tortured present as their father, where I'm not able to be fully present in their lives  where I often times am too bogged down and split apart by my other identity. 

Compartmentalization is a powerful thing... for a time, but then it catches up with you. And it's caught up with me. I can't continue to live a life split into pieces and dedicated to juggling multiple aspects. I want to be a full person. Now I'm not saying getting to be V will solve everything. I'm not saying there won't still be problems I have to work through. But throughut my whole life she has been my biggest problem, my heaviest weight and my most consuming thought. It's time for her to finally benefit me instead of hinder.