How Many People Will Leave or See Me Differently?

 (Originally written October 9th)

My wife told her mom about my plans to transition yesterday. I don't really know how it went--the jury's still out I suppose. What is tough already about the situation is I don't feel anybody on her side of the family found me to be a very fun or exciting person. "Stick in the mud". Rarely up for doing things, having to change exciting plans to better fit me. Nathan is boring and closed away and not terribly expressive. At the end of the day, I honestly don't know how well I'm liked in the family.

After this? I imagine it'll be even less. At least as Nathan I didn't introduce this complication into the family. At least as Nathan I fit the appropriate role for father when we'd be seen outside. Now? Now I'm another oddity. My wife told me her mom asked if anybody can just be normal.

I quickly answered her, "not when you're damaged". And that's what I am. A damaged man tired of trying to hold the pieces together for an identity that means little to me. Yes, I could continue to pretend to be normal, pretend to fit in those preset positions. I could continue to pretend while I further crack all over.

Vaela is coming to a head. She's surfacing. And I find myself welcoming her with how I embrace her mannerisms and just the full reality of starting to embody a female mindset.

People will fall away from my life. How many is still a question I can't answer. Yesterday another step was taken and another milestone crossed. Whether she's accepted or not, Vaela is preparing to slip into the driver seat. And I can't wait to have her do just that.

(Update) 

Nearly everyone important now knows. And for the most part, I've found acceptance. Not a can't-wait-to-meet-her kind of acceptance. More of a grief-laced type. I'll still be loved but also mourned. Nobody's really leaving but I'm sure there'll be added distance from some as they try to wrap their head around the reality. The positive is I expected it to go much worse than it has. 

I'm still in a place of preparation. Nobody at work knows yet. And what will happen when they do? The thing about HRT is, sooner or later, it starts to change you in ways you can't really hide. So, I still have some time. But as someone who plays out hypotheticals in my head like a movie, it isn't something I'll just let happen. And it will weigh on me until expectation is replaced by reality.